A message to young exclusive pedophiles: don’t give up on dating adults

If you are an exclusive pedophile, you may have tried to date an adult and found that it just didn’t work.  I did.  When I was 20, I dated a woman who was 26 (ironic, I know) and put off sex for as long as I could because I knew beforehand that it probably wouldn’t work.  Her name was Lori and we dated for about three weeks with her pressuring me for sex constantly.  I just told her I wasn’t ready, but we would get to it soon enough.  The thing is, I enjoyed her company and loved being in a relationship.  In every other respect we were a normal couple; we just weren’t getting it on, so to speak.

But finally, on my 21st birthday, I gave in.  I figured, “Okay, I’m 21 now.  I can legally drink.  I can do this.”  As it so happened, Lori was on her period at the time, which did not exactly put me at ease.  She agreed to give me fellatio, so I decided to give that a go.  Well, after a good half hour of giving it her all, she finally gave up.  I felt awful, like I had let her down, and I know she felt bad too, inadequate as a lover.  She said she couldn’t understand it.  She wondered if I was gay.  I said, “No, I’m not gay.”  I wanted so badly to tell her the truth, but this was the early 90s.  Even gays were still not widely accepted, much less pedophiles, even non-offending ones.  Maybe she had an inkling.  After all, I enjoyed hanging out and playing with the little twin girls who lived next door and she knew that.  But if she did have an inkling, she kept it to herself.

The next day she called me and broke up with me over the phone.  She didn’t even have the guts to break it off with me face to face.  But I didn’t resent her for it.  I understood.  I was even somewhat relieved.  I also tried dating a female friend of mine, but again there was no sex, and we soon broke up by mutual affirmation and went back to being friends.  That ultimately ended in tragedy.  I’m still reeling from that one.

I didn’t try to date again until I was in my late 20s, but it was halfhearted and never got beyond the first date.  I badly wanted a relationship with someone, but I knew what the end result would be and I couldn’t go through that heartache again, I figured.  I haven’t dated since.

Now, at age 42, I’m finally at a place where I’m beginning to find younger women of a certain body type attractive enough that I think sex could work.  But I’m a 42-year-old, one-handed, underemployed, ‘out’ pedophile—not exactly a catch for a young lady just starting her life.  The chances of meeting a woman who is my type in my tiny Southern town is so low as to be a non-starter, but if I did find her, the chances of her wanting to date me are about slim to none.  Which pretty much means I am doomed to spend the rest of my life alone.

So, what I want to say to young pedophiles who find themselves unable to perform with an adult but would like to make a relationship work is, don’t give up.  I know it can be frustrating to try to perform sexually only to have it go nowhere.  The girl or guy may break up with you, and that can be depressing and discouraging, but don’t let it stop you from continuing the quest.  Somewhere out there is the person for you.  It may take awhile to find them, but there is someone out there who will love you unconditionally and will work with you.  I know you may not be able to tell them about your pedophilia at first, or maybe ever, but explain to them that you’re not quite ready for sex yet and to please have patience.  With the willingness of people to jump into bed with each other first thing these days, maybe they’ll even find it endearingly old fashioned.

Maybe ultimately you will never find the right person, but still, keep looking.  Because, trust me, the older you get, the harder it becomes to find that person who is willing to take that chance on you.  As for me, I’m still looking.  I won’t give up, because to give up is to concede that your critics are right, that you can’t function in society.  And the loneliness and pain of the lone pedophile’s life is a difficult road to walk.  If you don’t have anyone in your corner to ease your stress or just say, “I love you” everyday, then you may find it harder to resist temptation.

And for those non-pedophiles who find themselves in a relationship with someone who has just told you they struggle with pedophilia, please, I urge you to stick with him or her awhile longer, even if sex isn’t working.  Life is hard enough for them without their partner leaving them.  Give them your love, support and understanding.  They need you, probably more than they know.  Most importantly, don’t let them give up on themselves.  The best shot a pedophile has of not offending is having loving and supportive people in their life.  Having someone they can share everything with is the best of all possible worlds for them.

Salon article by Debra Soh

A few days ago I was contacted by Debra Soh, a researcher who has worked with Dr. James Cantor, a prominent expert on pedophilia.  She told me she was looking to get a piece of her own published in Salon, and now she has.  It’s a great article.  Please read it and offer Ms. Soh your support and positive feedback.  This is the kind of thing we need more of in the media!

The pedophile I could not help: He was not a monster or a molester. The system destroyed him anyway

Recently heard from the Kavanagh sisters

A few days ago I was contacted by Joyce Kavanagh, one of three Irish sisters who are survivors of abuse at the hands of their own father.  Joyce was a really sweet lady and a joy to talk to.  She is sending me a copy of their first book all the way from Ireland.  I can’t wait to get it!  Meanwhile, if you’re interested, you can watch some videos about them on YouTube.  Their story is heartbreaking, of course, but the sisters are surprisingly upbeat and forgiving.  They really do want to make the world a better place for everyone: children, survivors and yes, even pedophiles like me.  They’re going to mention my story in their next book!  How cool is that!