Okay, everyone knows I’m a virtuous pedophile . . . now what?

This is officially my first article for the new blog, so if you don’t know who I am, allow me to introduce myself: my name is Todd Nickerson, and I recently came out to the entire world as a non-offending pedophile in a couple of articles on Salon, here and here.  So, where do I go from there?  Well, I figured the most logical next step was a blog.  I’m a semi-public figure now, and I have an issue that’s about as hot-button as they come.  The articles swept the internet.  I did a couple of radio interviews (both of them for Irish talk radio stations (here‘s the longest of those), and even landed an appearance on Dr. Drew on Call.  The furor has died down a bit since then, though as expected, the political Right is attacking me with everything they have, which isn’t much.  I’m neither a child molester nor a child porn user—indeed, I have no criminal record at all.  All they can do is dig up things I said in the past—mostly stuff from ten years ago, when I was embroiled in the pro-contacter cult—seizing on every little thing I’ve ever said that supports their prejudice and excluding the ocean of things I’ve said that indicate the person I really am.

But this is a barrage of spitballs at best, since it indicates nothing about my actual character.  I confessed up front, in the very first article, that I was once a member of the pro-contacter camp.  Yet, they act as if digging into the stuff I said back then somehow reveals some ulterior motive on my part today.  Hey, haters, you caught me.  I said some stupid things once upon a time.  I may even have believed some of them.  But I don’t believe them today, and that’s what matters, isn’t it?

Anyway, I have to say, for someone who was a painfully shy and insecure kid, it’s a little weird being in the spotlight.  Ten years ago, when I was embroiled in the deepest, darkest depression of my life, I never could’ve imagined getting the opportunity to speak directly to the world about the most taboo sexuality in the modern world, much less proclaim aloud that I am myself a member of that much-maligned group.  But, you know, now that I’ve done it, I feel that an immense weight has lifted off my shoulders.  Being honest really is freeing.

Has there been public hatred and anger directed toward me?  You better believe it.  And yet, in private, I’ve received hundreds upon hundreds of emails from people who have thanked me for doing what I did, and who have offered me nothing but support and friendship.  These are the people who get it, and they really mean it.  What can I do at this point but be the best non-offending pedophile I can be?  To fail now would let a lot of people down, and I can never allow that to happen.  Honestly, I would die before I ever let myself abuse a child.  Do I fear the possibility of violence despite my record?  Ten years ago I certainly would have.  These days, not so much.  Don’t ask me why it’s changed.  Maybe I just got tired of being afraid, just so worn down that the anxiety has pretty much all dissipated at this point.  I liken it to being at war for several tours: for years I was terrified and depressed every waking minute, unable to sleep, barely able to function at all.  I worked out ever other day, just to feel something different, even if that something was pain.  But eventually, if you hold on long enough, you just become numb to it all.

Well, I’m at that point in my life, I suppose.  I have stopped caring what the haters think of me.  What good does it do?  And I feel no fear for the future, for I know that, going forward, no matter what happens to me from here on out, I will always have the moral high ground, and I can die happy in that knowledge.  You see, society is frequently hypocritical, but never more so than on this issue.  I was raised to tell the truth, and indeed, that truth is the very backbone of morality.  I have always been as honest as I felt I was able to be, which, given the open hostility directed towards those who have my sexuality, used to mean that I lived a lie every day of my life.

And when I finally outed myself during the nadir of my depression, I immediately realized something: what society claims it values and what it really values are two distinct things.  The political Right—at least here in the West—is centered largely around Christianity, and I myself was raised in that environment, so I know that honesty is one of the ultimate values of the faith.  I may no longer believe in the precepts of the religion, but I still carry many of its values, including honesty.  And yet, it has largely been this same crowd who has reacted the most despicably towards me.  The reality is, since I am a celibate pedophile, I could have continued living a lie for the rest of my life and society would’ve treated me as normal if a bit odd for never dating.  There was nothing stopping me from doing that . . . except my own conscience.  Aye, and there’s the rub.  How does one reconcile society’s deep-seated hatred and fear of my kind with its supposed high regard for honesty?  Ultimately, one must do what he thinks is right, and so I have.

So, like it or not, this is who and what I am.  I’m out here to talk to you about it, if you’re willing to listen.  If not, then I tip my hat and wish you a pleasant day.  If you mean me ill simply for being who I am, well, join the club, but don’t expect me to be intimidated or worried about it.  It isn’t going to happen.  Like I said, my capacity to feel anxiety has long since burned to a crisp.  And believe me, for the longest time I actually hated you just as much as, if not more than, you hated me.  I hated you for refusing to understand.  I hated you for judging me without knowing me or my life.  I hated you for making it impossible for me to just be who I was for far too long.  And for ruining my chances of having the happy, carefree youth that every young person deserves, as I was always well aware of the irony that while I had never harmed a child in my life, it was you, society, who destroyed my childhood with your hatred and oppression.

But I’m over all of that now.  In fact, for those of you who despise me, I want to thank you.  Once I was but a lump of coal, a thing of little value, but thanks to your ever-burning furnace of hate and rage, I have been forged into an ultra-hard, crystalline shape.  Yes, that’s right: I am now a diamond, an object of glittering determination, radiant truth and psychological symmetry, cut down to my essence, my true form, unbreakable and clean.  And I could never have gotten here without your help, so I am immensely grateful to you for that.  This doesn’t mean I’ll just stand by and let you attack me and my brothers and sisters though.  I will fight back, in whatever capacity I’m able, when the challenge arises.  You’ve given me little choice.

For those of you who accept me and offer me your support, I thank you most of all.  You are the ones who will make things better for the next generation of kids who are likewise cursed with this terrible sexuality.  You are ultimately the ones who will bring enlightenment to the masses by teaching them the truth and demonstrating your sensitivity about these issues.

So, once again, nice to meet you and welcome to my blog!

32 thoughts on “Okay, everyone knows I’m a virtuous pedophile . . . now what?

  1. again, i appreciate you staying virtuous in your struggle. try turning to Jesus for strength. i don’t mean as a remedy or religion. just get to know God more and see what happens. you have my prayers. bless you.

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  2. Awsome text, I really look forward to hearing more about you. You’re great, greater than these haters who keep on telling you are monster, you’re great for showing them that not everything is what it seems. Stay strong and showing your light to everyone.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. i believe in every word you said and that is why,i would like to offer you support. It is as you say,if you have people who have faith in you,you are less likely to do something to destroy that faith. Be strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so excited you’re keeping a blog now! Your recent article made an imprint on my heart and mind, and I haven’t really stopped thinking about it. Your courage is inspiring. Imagine if we all were as honest as you, instead of wearing social masks to appease the masses. We would be so much more connected as a human race, and human connection can save lives.

    I know you said you’re not as religious as you were raised to be, so I hope you don’t mind me saying God bless you for your courage and on your journey! (If you do mind, please say so, and I’ll leave Christian diety out of any future comments.)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Think you’re such a strong person, doing this you are sure to encourage other moral paedophiles to follow your path, and hopefully growing acceptance will need to a decrease in child attacks too, by people who are less strong then you
    Stay strong<3

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    1. Dr. Ren shared your first article at the Association for Sexual Abuse Prevention (ASAP) workshop in Portland, Oregon on October 5. Your courage inspired me to be open about my sexual orientation. Several minor attracted persons spoke freely about their attractions, receiving a positive, supportive response from the therapists, as well as psychology and counseling students who were there.

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  6. I clicked onto the link leading to your interview on the Niall Boylan show, but the audio recording stopped just after Boylan said you had been born without a hand. I would have liked to hear more about that, because I suspect it had more to do with your feelings of inferiority and inadequacy than the two supposedly formative incidents that you describe (being groped by ‘Hans’, your father’s German friend, and the blonde girl who watched you sketching, which you describe as a “singular moment” that, “though it could scarcely have lasted more than a few minutes,” became seared into your memory.

    Such experiences are more common than you probably know because I suspect your missing hand made you shy and kept you from interacting with others. Such experiences took on an importance for you that they wouldn’t for someone else because you didn’t have many other experiences with which to compare them. So I’ll tell you a little about my own childhood experiences, and let you compare.

    I was a child back in what you probably consider the Stone Age. Unlike you, I was not only physically intact but darn cute, so a lot of girls wanted to be my ‘special friend’. A lot of boys did, too.

    When I was old enough to begin kindergarten, two older children – a girl named Frances, and a boy named Edmund (both about ten years old) – came to our house and asked my mother if they could walk me to the school, which was eight blocks away (as I said, this was back in the Stone Age, when children weren’t bussed to school).

    Edmund’s mother was my mother’s friend, so he was the one she chose to walk me to school.

    On my first day of school Edmund and I walked side by side, he holding my hand in a death grip. Halfway to the school, Frances come up from behind us and grabbed my other hand. To make a long story short, they ended up on the grass, wrestling each other over which one would get me.

    Edmund won. From that day until he graduated and went on to high school, he kept all the other children away from me (although Frances, not one to give up easily, stood outside my bedroom window and invited me to, as she put it, let my caterpillar roam among her pussywillows).

    From time to time Edmund insisted we wrestle. He was bigger and stronger than I, so of course he always won. He celebrated by rolling around on top of me until he ejaculated (I assume it was a ‘dry cum’, because of his age, and he kept his clothes on).

    I asked my mother to tell Edmund to leave me alone, but without going into details. She asked me to go on being his ‘friend’ because his mother was concerned about him. Edmund was a difficult boy, with few friends.

    What I experienced was common when I was a child. Anyone who tells you it wasn’t is lying, probably to themselves. What’s changed since then is that the advertising industry has sexualized children in order to sell everything from denim jeans to cars. A lot of people find this exploitation disturbing, and they should.

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    1. Huh, that’s weird. I listened to it all the way through–it’s a little over an hour. Admittedly that was a while back, but it should still be there. Sorry about that. Your story was cute . . . well, right up until Edmund started getting a little physical with you. 😦 Yes, the media tends to make kids older than they are. This actually doesn’t much appeal to me. Makes sense if you think about it: I’m attracted to kids, not miniature adults. The real danger from adultizing kids mostly doesn’t come from us; it comes from situational offenders. But either way, it is a problem.

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      1. My point in telling you my story was to show you that behavior condemned as ‘deviant’ is more common than most supposedly ‘normal’ people admit. It’s condemned precisely because it is so common. We wouldn’t need to condemn it if every supposedly ‘normal’ person wasn’t tempted to do it, at least to some degree.

        You’re not a monster. I’m not so sure you’re even a pedophile. As Gore Vidal said about homosexuality, it’s something you do, not someone you are. Everyone is tempted by ‘deviant’ desires, and those who deny it most do so because they’re tempted most. They fear that, if they were in the right situation, they would become ‘situational offenders’.

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      2. Ah, I see your point. I agree with your point that the most hateful people may be repressed pedophiles–very similar to homophobes–but I disagree with your definitions of pedophile and non-pedophile, as well as with Gore Vidal on the definition of homosexuality. I think it’s rather the opposite. I always say to people that pedophilia is a state of being rather than a state of doing. Confusion about that is partly what accounts for the tendency for people to use ‘child molester’ and ‘pedophile’ interchangeably–the first describes someone who commits an action, and the second describes someone who has a condition. I have the condition, but I do not commit the actions. Good comment!

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  7. Todd, I totally agree with Peter Min and wrote a long while back to a columnist who was angry about the obsession of collecting angels of all shapes and forms in our society. My words admonished him because I felt that his peers were only looking for virtuosity that was becoming a rarity. Children also are equated with innocence and purity. After realizing that I was looking for that virtuosity, which could not be found in man, I found it in Christ. He is the answer to keeping us from sinning. He was the only person on earth who never sinned because He and the Father are One. You will find great animosity from people and far-Leftists in that statement as well.

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  8. Todd,

    I wish to thank you for your bravery and honesty. I hope one day I am as brave as you and tell the world my story about me and my feeling. Thank you for being the voice of so many who feel they don’t have one.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Christopher/Christian/Christine Weston Chandler, that’s soooooo unoriginal and passé. You think I haven’t heard that a hundred times already? No, I don’t think I will. But your hatred only makes me stronger, so thanks for that! 😀

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  9. Do you feel that if society was more accepting of pedophiles and the judgment and oppression didn’t exist that there is a chance more pedophiles would be tempted into action? Do you think the oppression and hatred kept you from action when you were younger and trying to figure out what it meant to be a pedophile?

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    1. I do not think that a more accepting and understanding society will lead to more abuse, no. Quite the opposite, in fact. And this is not just my belief–there is hard evidence for it, and for the fact that even those who have offended will stop offending with such a network in place:

      http://gizmodo.com/theres-a-reliable-therapy-for-sex-offenders-but-nobo-1732677835

      For those who haven’t offended yet, the most dangerous time for them is when they are young and just starting to realize their sexuality. This is when society needs to reach them the most, and the best way to do that is to create an environment where they are not afraid to come forward and self-identify to parents, counselors, etc. and get help if they need it. Pushing them underground, where they have to deal with these attractions alone, in isolation, while they also deal with the anxiety of the stigma is not going to help them stay safe.

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