Well, then . . .

Right, so, a lot of things have happened since I last posted anything in my poor neglected blog. I suppose the main one was the release of the (very short) documentary piece about me produced by Barcroft Media. If you haven’t already, you can see it here. It’s only ten-and-a-half minutes of your time, and I really think you should check it out. John and Rauridh did an excellent job on it. And as a result, there have been a multitude of articles spawned by that piece just as there was with the first Salon article. Two were in the Sun alone (here and here). Despite the crummy headlines that were clearly intended to be inflammatory, the articles themselves aren’t too bad, especially the first one. There are several other articles but I won’t link them all as most are just repetitions of the Sun articles or commentary on the video.

Moving on, there was a great piece published in the Irish Times today by a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. She recounts a bit of the abuse she suffered, but what really caught my attention was that she identified her abuser as a situational offender rather than a pedophile. This distinction is very important, and I’m glad to see someone other than a MAP or scientific expert point it out. The message is getting through, and perhaps no one needs to understand this distinction more than survivors. In fact, her viewpoint towards pedophiles and child sex offenders is an enlightened one across the board. She understands more than most what is really at stake here. You can read that article here.

Obviously the presidential election has come and gone since I last wrote here. I have to say that I am not without concern over Trump becoming the next POTUS. He has already displayed signs of his willingness to trample on the rights of minorities, and there are few minorities as unpopular as MAPs, even those of us who do not offend. On the other hand, I am also emboldened as I feel now it is more important than ever to make the case for virpeds. Which reminds me: I have another article in the works which I hope to finish it soon. It is a much broader piece than those I wrote for Salon, focusing less on me and more on the issues that pertain to all MAPs. The tone of it is more official than my other articles, but I hope it is still accessible to the average reader.

Finally, I’d like to say that the Virtuous Pedophiles forum itself continues to grow and strengthen. As far as I’m aware, VirPed is the only forum of its kind in the world (in the Anglophone parts of the world, at least) and it was obviously badly needed. My hope is that it is merely the first in a succession of such forums.

Brave grandma dies protecting her grandkids from sex offender

Loving grandmother Candy Arthurs perished yesterday after being stabbed by convicted sex offender Kristopher T. Amos during an incident that occurred over a month ago. Amos is believed to have tricked two of Arthurs’ grandchildren into following him into an alley on the premise of searching for a supposedly missing drone, possibly in order to abuse one or both of them. When Arthurs realized what was happening, she confronted Amos, who stabbed her in the chest, killing her. He also stabbed one of the children in the shoulder, though it seems the boy sustained only a minor injury and is expected to fully recover. While it is a sad day for the family of Candy Arthurs, she died a hero and will no doubt be remembered as such by her grandchildren, as well as many others, including me. And hopefully this time Amos stays in prison, where he belongs. You can read more about this incident here.

A sad day in America

My thoughts are with the survivors, friends and family members of those lost in the night club shooting in Orlando this morning. It’s clear that we still have a long way to go in the fight for freedom and tolerance for sexual minorities in this country. I will leave you with a quote from Leigh Hunt:

Whenever evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering, how we can turn it into good.  So shall we take occasion, from one bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers.

Margaux Fragoso’s endorsement of VirPed

Margaux Fragoso, author of Tiger, Tiger, has recently been in contact with the VirPed community. I’ve spoken with her personally and she is exactly as interesting and delightful as I always imagined she would be. Well, she is officially endorsing VirPed. Here’s what she says:

I am a sexual abuse survivor and author of a bestselling memoir Tiger, Tiger, which has sold in 26 countries, been translated to nineteen languages. Kirkus Reviews called it an “Outstanding Debut of 2011,” and it was a Publishers Weekly Best Book of 2011. The movie rights were bought by the acclaimed director Hector Babenco. In addition, my work has appeared in the New York Times, NPR, and various literary journals.

My abuse began when I was seven years old, after I met Peter Curran, who was a retiree and collector of exotic animals. Though Peter abused me, he also gave me praise and emotional support that counterbalanced my horrific home life—a viciously critical father and mentally ill mother. When Peter committed suicide in 2001, it emotionally shattered me. I would say that suicide in general is so desperately painful for abuse victims that I’d plead with even known offenders not to take that route. I have read the scientific literature that pedophilia is an orientation, not a choice, and that as long as it is not acted upon, it remains “dormant” so to speak and thereby harms no child. VP is committed to protecting children like the seven-year-old Margaux who could not protect herself and whose family did not protect her. I wish Peter had chosen a Lewis Carroll type relationship with me that involved no acts of sexuality and then I would’ve been spared countless psychological problems and years of therapy. If an organization like this one had been available to Peter perhaps he would have never offended against me and my life would be infinitely improved for it.

Virtuous Pedophiles is an extraordinary website where those struggling with feelings of attraction to children can find support and a community. It is here that they can form positive links with others and resist the impulses to offend against children. This website does a tremendous service to both children and parents by serving as a kind of Alcoholics Anonymous wherein everyone strives to “stay clean” and honorable. I believe that this website will do far more to lower child abuse rates than our current system of punishment, social ostracism, and threats of violent reprisal. I support VP wholeheartedly as an abuse survivor, as a worker with human trafficking victims, as a mother, and as an American citizen. We need more websites like this and so I hope they will thrive and flourish as it serves to protect the most vulnerable and precious members of our society—the children.

Many people have endorsed our organization over the years, but the ones that always move me the most are those from abuse survivors. After my articles came out I heard from many of them, and their stories were always harrowing, but what struck me most about them was the kindness and understanding they offered me, a direct contrast to the shrill and hateful attacks we normally encounter on the internet. And now Fragoso has offered similar words of support for Virtuous Pedophiles, which I find incredibly touching.

Protestant churches are banning abuse victims from working for them

I’ll admit that, for a number of reasons, I’m not particularly fond of organized religion. I consider myself an agnostic with slight transcendental leanings, but I don’t have a problem with other people believing whatever they want as long as their beliefs or practices do not infringe on the rights of others. But let’s be honest: religions have a long history of oppressing others, usually minorities of one sort or another. Well, now some Protestant churches can add sexual abuse victims to the group of minorities they are oppressing, in this case by refusing to hire them as church employees. This traces back to the common misconception that many abuse victims are destined to become abusers themselves. Perhaps there is a slightly elevated risk that sexual abuse victims—particularly male sexual abuse victims—may go on to become abusers, but does it warrant discrimination against victims across the board? I think this is a horrible trend, so let’s hope it’s a short-lived one. You can read a more in-depth article about it at the Daily Beast:

Abused? You Can’t Work at These Churches

A review of the Kavanagh sisters’ “Click, Click”

Joyce Kavanagh mailed me a copy of the book she co-wrote with her sisters June and Paula and their friend Marian Quinn, called Click, Click, all the way from Ireland.  It’s a harrowing account of the abuse they suffered at the hands of their own father, who dominated their lives not only when they were children but even when they were young adults, until they finally worked up the courage to report him to authorities. I won’t lie: the accounts of sexual abuse in the book are brutal, and there is no attempt to cushion the blow for the reader. It hits you out of the blue, with little preparation, which I suppose is rather like the way the Kavanagh siblings experienced it. Each of the sisters gets at least one account, but their stories are shockingly similar. ‘Da’ as they call him would isolate each of the girls and snap his fingers twice (hence the book’s title), expecting them to drop their panties and spread their legs for him. There was no attempt to be gentle or win the girls over to the idea; it was just flat out rape every time.

This, of course, is often how incestuous situational abuse plays out, and as is usually the case in these situations, the abuse wasn’t just sexual—the girls were subjected to every form of abuse imaginable from the time they were toddlers through their adolescence. Perhaps the worst thing about their experiences was how Da made each girl feel isolated and alone in her abuse, demolishing their security and sense of self-worth, despite the fact that the house was positively filled with kids all the time. Many people may wonder how their mother wasn’t aware of the abuse, but the fact is, people can go to great lengths to deny a horrifying truth about someone they care about, and to be sure, the man controlled and abused his wife as well, reducing her self-esteem to the point where she questioned everything she did or believed.

Each instance of abuse described in the book is worse than the last, and the details of the abuse (how Da forced the little girls to wrap their limbs around him as he raped them, his godawful bodily stench, etc.) staggers the mind. The term ‘survivor’ often gets bandied about to described victims of abuse, but in the case of the Kavanagh sisters it couldn’t be more accurate. How these sensitive young ladies survived this horror for years on end, let alone the fact that they came out of it without being utterly bitter and hateful towards the world, is something I can’t even imagine. On top of all that, for them to come forward and publicly lay claim to the hell their father put them through just to assure he doesn’t do it to anyone else, is beyond heroic.

And yet, the women at times display a concern for their father that borders on saintly, like when June worries about how he will fare in prison. They must constantly remind themselves what he put them through. What most strikes me about Da’s abuse of his daughters is that he seemed to get off on the very notion of destroying their innocence. It cannot be a coincidence that the first time he raped each girl was the day of their first communion, whilst they were still wearing their communion dresses! It’s as if he couldn’t stand to see anything pure, sweet and holy without immediately corrupting it. And what was meant to be one of the happiest days of their life was thoroughly ruined.

Several times while reading the book I openly wept, wishing I could be there to give them all a big hug and a vow to protect them. I wish I could go back in time and rescue them from this monster masquerading as their pop. I can’t do that, but what I can do is assure them that I will fight to make sure no little girl (or boy) ever has to go through this hell again.

I don’t believe Kevin Kavanagh was a true pedophile; he bears all the classic signs of being a situational offender. I don’t have a lot of advice about preventing abuse from this type of offender because their motivations are completely different from mine, but I can speak to my fellow pedophiles and urge them to read books like Click, Click, so that they understand the reality of sexual abuse rather than the romanticized version they may have erected in their minds. We need to read books like Click, Click and Margaux Fragoso’s Tiger, Tiger (where the abuser was a genuine pedophile) so that we can see the untarnished truth, the grubby details and the long-term pain that children who have been through it face every day. As pedophiles, we must constantly remind ourselves of the real consequences of sexually violating children, and this is what it looks like. Therefore, I want to thank Joyce, June and Paula Kavanagh in a way they likely never anticipated: as a pedophile determined not to offend, they have given me yet another brick, and a powerful one, to add to the wall of my resolve.

Going forward, I wish the Kavanaghs all the best in life, but it’s clear they already have the best thing they could possibly have in their continuing fight to lead happy, healthy lives: each other. I often close my emails with the phrase, “Peace, love & light,” and I can’t think of a better way to close out this review, so . . . peace, love & light, folks.

Karla Jacinto’s story

CNN published a disturbing and heartbreaking article today about a survivor of human trafficking in Mexico, a hotbed of such activity. Karla Jacinto was kidnapped from her town at just 12 years old and was raped and abused thousands of times by countless men over the next four years until she was rescued by an anti-trafficking government operation. Her pain and terror are unimaginable to me, and she was incredibly brave to come out and tell her story publicly, especially given how violent the criminal underworld is in Mexico. Kudos to Ms. Jacinto. I will never forget her story.